Helpless

For a long time I tried to write something here to express the feeling inside me, but there's no word to express how helpless and sorry I am when I can't provide you with the slightest comfort when you feel helpless.

If trust is what you believe, then trust and believe me that I really do know how much you needed me there and I really do wish and hope to be there when you needed someone to.  Though I cannot be there physically, I am always just one step behind you to make sure you never fall.

I'm sorry.

Scars

"Scars reminds us of where we've been, but they don't have to dictate where we're going." - David Rossi, Criminal Minds Season 5

Everyone of us will have scars and baggages that will haunt our lives forever.  It is important we learn from the experience and move on.  It's not about forgetting, it's about forgiving.  No one is perfect.  I truly believe the past should not be the consideration of an individual, it's the consideration of the now and the future that shall dictate a decision.

God bless!  I hope everyone will understand this one day.

Why were I so adamant?

When my ex tried to patch things back after our break up, I was adamant about not turning back. At that time, I do not know the reason myself. I wasn't angry nor did I hate her. I just couldn't explain it. Few months down the road and numerous conversation with friends, I think I know the reason now.

During our time together, I tried the best within my mean to give her the best. I am not perfect I know. I am not the best looking guy around. I don't have a great sense of humour. I am an idiot when it comes to being romantic. Hence, I know the only thing that I can offer for my partner is by giving her the best, making sure she's pampered, making sure she's loved and making sure she don't have to be troubled by anything that I can take care off for her.

In the previous blog about "what a married/committed man should provide", I had mentioned what I tried my best to provide for her. The day when I heard her saying, "Yes, I would like to be single and focus on my career", my heart broke and disappointment hit me.

The disappointment is the reason I was adamant about my decision. The disappointment was the reason why I moved on from the break up within days. The disappointment was the drive for me to move forward as well.

To me, I have done my best by providing the best I can. If I'm not being appreciated, I have no reason to reconsider the relationship. Believe it or not, I have never have expectation from my partner. The only thing I expect is a sincere thank you, a hug or a kiss as a gesture of appreciation.

Finally, I can say, I do not owe her anything. I had and tried to provide the best for her. All I wish for is all the best in her life ahead.

Leap of Faith

Most of the time I just cannot predict what the future holds. I am lousy at taking risk. I think a lot, I won't take chances that's does not have a 80% success rate.

But life always poses great challenges for us all isn't it? There are just some risks that no matter how much logical consequences and disadvantage it present, our heart keep wanting to take the risks. That's what I called "Leap of Faith". In my heart, I want to beat all the logical sense, believe that something good will come out of it and believe that no matter what other people think or believe... my faith and believe on my decision will see the daylight one day.

It's the believe and hope that drives the motivation. It's the fear and excitement that drives my vigilance.

Take the plunge....

不在乎天長地久, 只在乎曾经拥有

This means: care less about the "forever", just cherish the moment that we have had

Pinyin: bu zhai hu tian di jiu, zhi zai hu ceng jing yong you

This phrase has been racing through my mind quite a bit recently. When I am missing that special someone, this is the exact phrase that I will keep telling myself. And fate shall dictate it all.

Something to live for

I was just watching "The Wedding Singer", a 1998 movie starring Adam Sandler. It tells of the exact relationship I am looking for; simple, ordinary, loving the partner for who he/she is and can envision growing old with he/she.

Here's a quote from the movie that I feel has great depth in life that's worth sharing;

I have done some crazy things in my life too, but then I met a special girl, a girl whom I marrying next week. So all I'm saying is that when you fall in love like you guys, the emptiness... drifts away because you find something to live for: each other.

So, here's a short clip from part of the movie:

Grow Old with You

I wanna make you smile whenever you're sad
Carry you around when your arthritis is bad
All I wanna do is grow old with you

I'll get your medicine when your tummy aches
Build you a fire if the furnace breaks
Oh it could be so nice, growing old with you

I'll miss you
Kiss you
Give you my coat when you are cold

Need you
Feed you
Even let ya hold the remote control

So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink
Put you to bed if you've had too much to drink
I could be the man who grows old with you
I wanna grow old with you

Bitter sweet

What is the state of mind in human emotion that contributes to a bittersweet feeling?

My own answer:

Missing someone and not knowing whether if that someone misses you too.

What a married/committed man should provide

I was talking on da phone and a friend told me about a status update commenting how men think that providing the necessity is their only responsibility to the women. Then I started to list what should be included in the list based on my experience of what I used to do for my ex-girlfriend. Here's an inexhaustible list except the necessity part.

1. complete the house chores so she has a clean place and comfortable bed to come home to
2. wash the clothes so she always have clean and fresh clothes to wear
3. be there as frequent as I can when she's not at work so that she will have a pair of ears to listen to her day at work
4. bring her to movies
5. bring her to romantic dinners
6. bring her to romantic vacations
7. cook her breakfasts, lunches, dinners and whatever meal that is possible
8. boil her "ba zhen" soup after her menstruation
9. wash her dirty dishes when she's too tired to
10. give her a shoulder and neck massage when she complains about her frustrating day at work
11. surprise her with a bouquet of flowers on her birthday
12. surprise her with a gift that she has been wanting
13. drive her to work in the morning whenever possible
14. a goodnight kiss
15. a morning kiss
16. a goodbye kiss
17. take care of her when she's drunk instead of blaming her for getting that drunk, coz she's just having a great time with friends
18. understand and accept that she has her own friends and need her own space (vice versa as well on this)
19. be her encyclopedia for everything, if possible
20. provide an ever ready shoulder to cry on and lean against
21. provide a warming hugging every night to sleep, even if it means my arm become numb
22. spend time watching DVDs, reading or cuddling together
23. never ever bring work emotions home, she's my love one, not my irritating colleague(s)
24. always be patient with her, be it getting ready to go out or the time she needs to understand what I told her
25. never ever calculate what I had done for her and what she has not done for me, because a sincere thank you with an appreciative kiss is all that matter

Not sure if I have miss any. I ain't a saint nor am I perfect, but I tried my best to provide what I can. In the end, I have no regret for not doing my best.

Very emotional recently

I am very emotional recently. A small scene in any movie with happy ending touched me, my eyes will be filled with tears. I guess I am emotionally overwhelmed. In such desperate need to find my own happiness.

Life's a struggle and a process full of happiness, sadness, hurt and risks. I have to accept and embrace that process. Afterall, the day I die, I am reduced to just ashes and it's the process in life that matters.