范瑋琪 - 最重要的決定 (Fan Wei Qi- Zui Zhong Yao de Jue Ding)

我常在想应该再也找不到
wo chang zai xiang ying gai zai ye zhao bu dao
I have always thought to myself, I can't find

任何人像你对我那么好
ren he ren xiang ni dui wo na me hao
anyone that can treat me as well as you do

好到我的家人也被照料
hao dao wo de jia ren ye bei zhao liao
so well that my family has also been tended to

我的朋友还为你撑腰
wo de peng you hai wei ni cheng yao
even my friends rally behind you

你还是有一堆毛病改不掉
ni hai shi you yi dui mao bing gai bu diao
you still have some shortcomings that cannot be changed

拗起来气得仙女都跳脚
ao qi lai qi de xian nuu dou tiao jiao
once you show your stubbornness, even the fairy will have a stomping fit

可是人生完美的事太少
ke shi ren sheng wan mei de shi tai shao
however, perfections in life are rare

我们不能什么都想要
wo men bu neng shen me dou xiang yao
we cannot have everything

*你是我最重要的决定
ni shi wo zui zhong yao de jue ding
You are my most important decision

我愿意
wo yuan yi
I do

每天在你身边苏醒
mei tian zai ni shen bian su xing
to wake up beside you everyday

就连吵架也很过瘾
jiu lian chao jia ye hen guo yin
even having a quarrel is gratifying

不会冷冰
bu hui leng bing
and not cold or lonely

因为真爱没有输赢
yin wei zhen ai mei you shu ying
it is because real love does not need a winner nor a loser

只有亲密
zhi you qin mi
just intimacy

你是我最重要的决定
ni shi wo zui zhong yao de jue ding
You are my most important decision

我愿意
wo yuan yi
I do

打破对未知的恐惧
da po dui wei zhi de kong ju
to break away from the fear of the unknown

就算流泪也能放晴
jiu suan liu lei ye neng fang qing
even when I cry, I feel relieved

将心比心
jiang xin bi xin
heart to heart

因为幸福没有捷径
yin wei xing fu mei you jie jing
it is because there is no shortcut to happiness

只有经营
zhi you jing ying
there should only be both's careful love

Being Double Standard

I have to admit sometimes, but rarely I am being double standard to my family. What I mean is there are times when I could throw tantrums at my family when they were showing concerns and asked me lots of questions on the issue that I face. But everytime after I did, I regretted it the very moment did it.

I always ask myself why I have to be double standard to the ones I love. If it were my friends who asked, I would have tell them things in a calm manner and when they do not understand I would patiently explain things to them. Even more so if that person were to be my girlfriend.

That's why I rarely throw my tantrums at my family. Because I understand that they are not the cause of my problem and they asked questions because they care and love me. When someone loves me, doesn't mean it gives me the right to throw the weight that I'm supporting on my shoulder onto them. Where else it should be the case where I'm able to share my weight with that person, even if it means he/she can only listen and cannot do anything about it. By just being there to listen to me is already the best gift.

I'm not perfect, so I still do the same mistake once in many many years. But I reminded myself everytime when I'm talking to my family or my love one at times when I had a shitty day, that these are the people whom I go to when the world seems to forsake me.

So think twice before we start shouting or feel annoyed when someone we care about very much asked how's our day at work or life on a bad day. If they are the people that you care enough to share your burden with, it means they are the same people whom you will regret for not appreciating them while they are around. If they are the people who stuck around with you through the darkest hour, don't they deserve more patience than what your friends deserve? It's not just to our family, but it should be to everyone that we love and care for, be it our spouse or partner.

Forgetful Human

Have you ever been in the situation where it might involves your work, friendship, relationship or family that made you realise that you have taken things for granted?  After talking to those involved you suddenly realise that you have forgotten how to be grateful for the little things people have done for you and things that you have in life. You realise that it's too late now, you have lose that thing you owned or person you love in life forever.

It's like a wake up call.  Then suddenly you felt that you got a tight slap on the face and determine to change things to become a better person.  You swore to yourself that you will not do something that you will regret in your life ever again.  You become very conscious and constantly keeping yourself in check and making sure you appreciate every moment in life that you are alive and be grateful of the people you love in your life. Don't we all do that?

Then weeks or months past.  Now you've forgotten what you set out to do. You are back to where you were again. When your friends ask why you are back to square one again and you would probably go to the extend to tell them this, "Fark off!  I don't give a damn on what you think.  I'm tired of trying to make people feel happy. I want to be happy myself."  You got so frustrated with your work, your life and whatever that is going on around you that put you so low in mood that you think by being grateful and appreciative is all about making sure others around you are happy, but not you.

Come on! Stop kidding yourself.  No matter how much shopping or self pampering spa or vacation you treat yourself to, you still feel something is amiss in your life.  It's like a hole that you keep trying to fill up with the money you spent on yourself and surround yourself with the so called surface friends, of which at the end of the day you still feel empty inside.

What you've forgotten is that, to begin with, it is not about making other people happy.  It is all about making sure that you don't take things for granted in life and live to regret it.  The fundamental thing is still about making yourself happy by being grateful and appreciative of your surroundings.  Then the vicious cycle repeat itself again when you lose something or someone important in life.

Human are forgetful.  The tough thing in life is not about finding your weaknesses or ways to turn yourself into a better person.  It is about being "consistent" at making yourself a better person.  Now sit down, think it through.  Slap yourself a few times if need to.  Are you that person?

I think at some point in life, we all are.  It is when we become "consistent" that we become "mature".

When we face vulnerability in the eye

"The problem is, and I learned this from the research, that you cannot selectively numb emotion. You cannot say, ‘Here’s the bad stuff. Here’s grief, here’s shame, here’s disappointment. I don’t want to feel these. I’m going to have a couple of beers and a banana-nut muffin. I don’t want to feel these.’ … You can’t numb those hard feelings without numbing the other affects or emotions. So when we numb those, we numb joy. We numb gratitude. We numb happiness. And then we are miserable and we are looking for purpose and meaning. And then we feel vulnerable so we have a couple of beers and a banana-nut muffin. And it becomes this dangerous cycle." - Dr. Brene Brown

The feeling is mutual

Expectation... It is a mutual feeling.  It's something that build over time and like many thing else, it will not built on itself unless it is being fed with hope and possibility.

At the end of the day, expectation grows when an expectation started from the opposite party, be it your boss, your staff even your love ones. It's a 2-way road. Not always a 1-way road.  So before the blame game starts, think about what expectation you have that started the spark of the opposite party's expectation.  When there is cause, there is effect.

What's the purpose of my life?

It's been crappy in life recently. Life in general. I have the feeling of, "what am I fighting for?". At work I have this burning question, "does money really mean so much that I have to sacrifice my happiness at a job that doesn't yield satisfaction?"

At the end of the day, what do I want to achieve in life.  What do I want?  What's the purpose of my life?

Will earning a lot of money will make me happy? I suppose, but not when the earning money process is taking away my life. And to be honest, I can foresee myself living a simple life, provided I have someone I love by my side.

What's the purpose of my life? To be happy and then make everyone else happy. I suppose...

To love is a chore

When you love someone, it's not only about loving the easy-to-love part of that person, but it is also loving the not-so-easy-to-love part of that person.

When you choose to love, you will have to love the person in good time and in bad time. It's a chore to love. It's a job to love. You just cannot unlove the person because he/she did something wrong. Your brain will tell you one thing but your heart will tell you otherwise.

So, if you love a person, it's a job and a chore to love not only the good of that person, but also the bad. This is what you would call, "loving he/she for who he/she is and will ever be".

Food for thought for everyone to think about what relationship is all about.

Emotional roller coaster

What can I say about my life? It's just full of excitement!

Job's getting tougher and having a new boss who don't know where to start to provide for support. But that's fine, I know what I signed up for and why I'm being paid for what I do. I just have to get used to the new found stress, building the plane while I'm flying it and hope I get to a safe landing after that.

Meanwhile, my oh-so-loyal car finally gave up on me after 7.5 yrs at the age of 20. Cost of bringing it back to life is not even worthwhile anymore. So I will have to part with the money to pay for downpayment for a Perodua MyVi. At the same time I'm paying a huge sum for my Melbourne trip. So, everything just couldn't have happen at a "better" time. *being sarcastic*

Then there is other thing in life that I just don't know what to do and what else I can about anymore. There's nothing I can do about it from the beginning anyway. You can't lose something that you never own.

Great!!! I bet ya there's tonnes of people out there who are so jealous about how interesting and exciting my life is right now. Woooo hooooo!!!

Like what they always say, "what can't kill you, makes you stronger"!!!
Life is so beautiful!

True Love is...

Two person who know each other's fault and weaknesses and yet they just love each other even more

-The Bounty Hunter-

"Why" I love who I love

We don't pick who we fall in love with, and it never happens like it should

- No Strings Attached-

To Lose and To Live

Aren't we all afraid to lose? To lose our wealth, to lose material stuff, to lose a family member or to lose the love of our life?

When I've lost it before, I'm not afraid to lose it again anymore. The feeling of being through hell and back again isn't the most pleasant definitely. But what is there to be afraid to go to hell if I've been through hell already?

When we were younger, we all learnt to stand back on our feet again when we stumbled and tripped by a rock. But somehow as we grow older, we forget that. We get so afraid of doing something out of the way and try to stay in the safest path so that we don't fall or trip. However, we totally forgot that it is the lesson that we learnt from tripping over the same rock that shaped us to be who we are today.

Ever feel why you are doing something you dreaded to do in the morning you commute to work? The feeling of getting stuck to a life that the society perceives as a norm?

Well, I feel that all the time. But I'm determined to deviate myself from such a life as much as I possibly can. There are definitely some that I can't move myself away from, after all I live in a society. But I'm going to live "my" life!

The future is scary

The future is scary, but you can't just run back to the past because it's familiar. Yes it's tempting, but it's a mistake.

-How I Met Your Mother Season 6, Episode 24-

Sometimes I doubted myself

Sometimes I doubted myself whether I've been a good bf in my previous relationships.  Did I become a better man?  Have I dote, spoil and pamper my gf enough?

I don't know the answer to that.

When a guy initially meet a girl that he likes, he will try to shower her with love, care and attention.  For a guy who had gone through disappointment in past experiences, he will reserve that remaining 10% or 20% of extra doting, spoiling and pampering because he is not sure whether the girl will be like the others before her, will take his love for granted.

And here comes the dilemma.  The girl will not agree to accept the boy until she sees the 100% of the guy.  She wants to be sure before getting herself hurt again as well.

This is has become a never ending kind of game.  I don't think there is a best solution to such dilemma.  But I believe if both can have a little faith and trust in each other, to march a step towards each other and open up at least there is a chance for things to change.

Isn't this is what it's all about being in a relationship?  We learn about each other the most when we get comfortable and show our love one our true self.  We learn about his/her flaws and we embrace him/her with love. Afterall, his/her imperfections are the things that make him/her perfect and the one and only unique person in our heart.

Anyway, I don't know where this random thoughts are going... No start, no content and no ending... I am in random mode I suppose.

When all are said and done...

frustration became disappointment,
disappointment became anger,
anger became despair,
despair became depressed,
depressed became...

"I don't give a damn anymore!"

Dreams

Now here you go again, you say you want your freedom
Well who am I to keep you down
It's only right that you should play the way you feel it
But listen carefully to the sound
Of your loneliness

Like a heartbeat drives you mad
In the stillness of remembering
And what you had
And what you lost
And what you had
And what you lost

Yeah, thunder only happens when it's raining
Players only love you when they're playing
Yeah, women they will come and they will go
When the rain washes you clean you'll know, you'll know

Now here I go again, I see the crystal visions
I keep my visions to myself
It's only me who wants to wrap around your dreams and
Have you any dreams you'd like to sell

Dreams of loneliness...
Like a heartbeat drives you mad
In the stillnes of remembering
And what you had
And what you lost
And what you had
And what you lost

Yeah, thunder only happens when it's raining
Players only love you when they're playing
Yeah, women they will come and they will go
When the rain washes you clean you'll know, you'll know

Yeah, thunder only happens when it's raining
Players only love you when they're playing
Yeah, women they will come and they will go
When the rain washes you clean you'll know, you'll know

Yeah, thunder only happens when it's raining
Players only love you when they're playing
Yeah, women they will come and they will go
When the rain washes you clean you'll know, you'll know

You will know, you will know, oh, you will know...

What we don't bring, We can't take away

All of us were born and brought to this world with nothing.  Not clothings, not money and not jewelery.  We don't owe anyone anything and no one owes us anything either.  Life was as pure as a piece of blank paper.

As time past, people start to shower us with love, wonderful compliments that made our days and most importantly cares.  We think to ourselves, we deserves all these, because everyone needs to be loved, complimented and cared for.

But then when we are showered with hatred, slandering and heart breaking words, we feel that people are treating us unfairly, being mean and does not care about our feelings.

We all know how to complain when we are mistreated.  But do we know how cherish and appreciate when we are being treated the way we want to be?  We are born into this world with no debt... no one owe us anything. Well maybe except for our parents who kind of have to be responsible for bringing us to this world, hehe.

Remember when we leave this world, the only thing that we can leave behind is our legacy.  And that legacy is going to be something that leaves a deep meaningful impact in someone's life. But we will have to choose whether the things what we want people to remember us by will be something that affect their life in the most positive aspect or the other way round.  It's something that we can only leave behind and cannot take away when we leave.

So, let's go out there and make a difference in other's life. Be it your decade long enemies, your loving parents or someone you love.  Cherish and appreciate not only on bad times but also during good times.

Imagine

I dedicate this to everyone who has lost direction about what life really is.  Try to think beyond the material stuff.  Try to think beyond your anger.  Try to think, whether the petty stuff that you are unhappy about is even worth getting upset about.

Another "Believes" Philosophy of mine

Call me old fashioned, but I believe when you are in love, you should be unselfish enough to give your love one what they want.  Even if that means you have to let go.  I once told a person that I love, if she does not want my existence in her life I would let go, all I can wish for is to see her happy with someone who truly cherish and appreciate her for who she is.  To love is not to own.

I also believe for two person to be together in a relationship is never easy.  They will have to fight.  Fight against all odds.  Fight against personal egos.  Fight against environmental changes.  Fight against personality changes.  Fight against complacency.  Fight against distrust.  Fight against doubt.  Fight against negative thoughts.
To sum it all, it's a fight to be together and to love each other until the day they grow old together.

Complacency is where it start?

Take a view at this meaningful video. Thanks SL for sharing. Just want to share my thoughts on the different perspective that can be derived from the short story.


While it is easier to look at this in a negative way of how all/most relationships would end up to be and blame oneself and uses this as an excuse for falling into the vicious cycle of complacency, I would rather look at it from the positive perspective and a wake up call on how to make the right decision at stage 4 (work on the comfort and grow with it together or allow it to create distance).  Why let a relationship gets into a complacent state if you know complacency is going to destroy it?


If it is a conscious understanding that oneself will take things for granted and become complacent, why can't he/she make the right decision by saying, 
"Ok, this is a greatest man/woman in my life.  Everyday I'm going to wake up and thank God that I have him/her in my life.  When life gets tough, we talk it through and I must always remember the things that made him/her the greatest person in my life and why I love this person so much to begin with.  I must remember that a relationship is not a contest. There's no prize for winning an argument or coming out on top.  When it comes to my love one, my ego can go into the closet.  Everything he/she does for me is not compulsory, he/she can choose not to do it, but still did it only because he/she loves me.  I am thankful for them even just by being there because that takes effort too".


Human naturally clings on to what they "want" to believe because it's easier to remain the same and blame everything else that's going on; on the environment, change of lifestyle or a growth in personality.  Paradigm shift is not easy, but it's inevitable.  One can choose to blame his/her own life and personality for what had happened.  Or he/she can choose to learn from his/her mistakes and become a better person.


People can be categorised as such;

- don't know what happened
- watch as things happen, or
- make things happen


It's your choice of life... You have to decide!

Nostalgia

After 12 years, our role has reversed.  Today I became the person that stood by and watch the coach pull away, while 12 years ago I was the person sitting inside the coach.  Life always works out in the most miraculous way. Be it karma, be it a second chance or be it a torture, life's short.  Let's enjoy the process and for once forget about the result.

Believe

Since I come to maturity, I always believe it is always essential that we treat people nicely and kindly.  Some people can be nasty, some can be selfish and take advantage of my kindness.  Some just does not know it is a privilege to be treated kindly and continue to take things for granted and absorb whatever benefit comes out of it.  But I believe good will come out of it one day.  It takes an extra little effort to make a difference in a other's life.  And when I see the appreciation or whatever problem/issue they walked out from their life happily with my help, that's the biggest reward I could ask for.

This believe does worn me out some times.  It worn me out when my kindness got taken for granted.  It worn me out when I have to give to the point of breaking.  It worn me out when there's no one there to understand why I do what I do.  It worn me out most when I could not find someone that could provide me a safe haven to seek peace and shelter when I'm tired.

I do feel pain sometimes.  When I could not find a shelter.  It also makes me rethink decisions that I've made.  But I have yet to regret any of the decision, for they are made with serious considerations.  If loneliness is how my life pan out to be, so be it....  Hopefully the fulfillments of assisting others to gain happiness is enough to keep my believe going.

For who I am and who I will ever be.  I feel worn now....

Baggage

I've just finished watching an episode in the "How I Met Your Mother Season 5".  It's the Episode 23 titled "The Wedding Bride".  This episode talked about baggages in life. Everyone has baggage(s) in life, including myself.  And mine recently is all about the complications from the walk out of a 5-year relationship, which is almost resolved by now.  There will definitely be bits and pieces that will drag on for years to come none the less.

You see, everyone has got some baggages.  It's part of life. But like everything else, it's easier when someone gives you a hand with it.  And I hope someday I can find that someone that is willing to share the weight on my shoulder and eventually leave the baggage behind.

Armageddon

Recently some friends started to talk to me about 2012.  Like the movie itself, end of the world in 2012 as written in bibles and some ancient scripture as well.  Weird this conversation comes from friends who are not really the religious type, but they kind of believe it will happen.  That is because of the sign that has been written in the bibles for years before and started to happen in recent years.  First sign is when the sea turns black, this happened at US when the fossil oil drill leaked.  Then the second sign was the Tsunami in Japan.

My natural reaction to my friends was, "I don't know whether it will really happen and when will it be, but if it does, I have already make sure I have live everyday of my life as if tomorrow is the end of the world. Do things that I want to do, say things that I want to say, love the people that I love like there's no tomorrow and to tell the people I love, that I love them".

Have you ever think about what are you going to do now if tomorrow is the end of the world?

Some great quotes

Got a chain mail from a friend.  I never believe in the so called disastrous event that would happen if the chain mail is not forwarded.  Anyhow, the quote in this so-called "Dalai Lama's Mantra for 2010" is really good, so I decided to post it here.

1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk
2. When you lose, don't lose lesson
3. Follow the 3 Rs
1. Respect for self
2. Respect for others, and
3. Responsibility for all your actions
4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck
5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly
6. Don't let a little dispute injure a great relationship
7. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it
8. Spend some time alone every day
9. Open your arms to change, but don't give up your values
10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer
11. Live a good, honourable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time
12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life
13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don't bring up the past
14. Share your knowledge. It is a way to achieve immortality
15. Be gentle with the Earth
16. Once a year, go some place you've never been before
17. Remember the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other
18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it
19. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon

Something about myself

Like anyone else, I dreaded to face problems and issues in life.  Be it laziness to do chores, work or problem solving.  Be it making the only hard decision there is available to me in various situations.  Be it doing bad for the sake of good.

However, I will eventually face my laziness, making the difficult decision and behave firmly to people.  Another philosophy of my life, if I don't face it today, I will still have to face it some day.  Yah, people will say, "Hell, I might as well leave it there and face it later."  In this case, later will never come.  This is because human will think, "Yah, no this time.  I will deal with it later (again)."  And without knowing, our lives has past us by and some of us have to take our regrets to the grave.

Disclaimer: This is just about myself. Anyone can disagree with me. It doesn't matter because everyone is unique.

Helpless

For a long time I tried to write something here to express the feeling inside me, but there's no word to express how helpless and sorry I am when I can't provide you with the slightest comfort when you feel helpless.

If trust is what you believe, then trust and believe me that I really do know how much you needed me there and I really do wish and hope to be there when you needed someone to.  Though I cannot be there physically, I am always just one step behind you to make sure you never fall.

I'm sorry.

Scars

"Scars reminds us of where we've been, but they don't have to dictate where we're going." - David Rossi, Criminal Minds Season 5

Everyone of us will have scars and baggages that will haunt our lives forever.  It is important we learn from the experience and move on.  It's not about forgetting, it's about forgiving.  No one is perfect.  I truly believe the past should not be the consideration of an individual, it's the consideration of the now and the future that shall dictate a decision.

God bless!  I hope everyone will understand this one day.

Why were I so adamant?

When my ex tried to patch things back after our break up, I was adamant about not turning back. At that time, I do not know the reason myself. I wasn't angry nor did I hate her. I just couldn't explain it. Few months down the road and numerous conversation with friends, I think I know the reason now.

During our time together, I tried the best within my mean to give her the best. I am not perfect I know. I am not the best looking guy around. I don't have a great sense of humour. I am an idiot when it comes to being romantic. Hence, I know the only thing that I can offer for my partner is by giving her the best, making sure she's pampered, making sure she's loved and making sure she don't have to be troubled by anything that I can take care off for her.

In the previous blog about "what a married/committed man should provide", I had mentioned what I tried my best to provide for her. The day when I heard her saying, "Yes, I would like to be single and focus on my career", my heart broke and disappointment hit me.

The disappointment is the reason I was adamant about my decision. The disappointment was the reason why I moved on from the break up within days. The disappointment was the drive for me to move forward as well.

To me, I have done my best by providing the best I can. If I'm not being appreciated, I have no reason to reconsider the relationship. Believe it or not, I have never have expectation from my partner. The only thing I expect is a sincere thank you, a hug or a kiss as a gesture of appreciation.

Finally, I can say, I do not owe her anything. I had and tried to provide the best for her. All I wish for is all the best in her life ahead.

Leap of Faith

Most of the time I just cannot predict what the future holds. I am lousy at taking risk. I think a lot, I won't take chances that's does not have a 80% success rate.

But life always poses great challenges for us all isn't it? There are just some risks that no matter how much logical consequences and disadvantage it present, our heart keep wanting to take the risks. That's what I called "Leap of Faith". In my heart, I want to beat all the logical sense, believe that something good will come out of it and believe that no matter what other people think or believe... my faith and believe on my decision will see the daylight one day.

It's the believe and hope that drives the motivation. It's the fear and excitement that drives my vigilance.

Take the plunge....

不在乎天長地久, 只在乎曾经拥有

This means: care less about the "forever", just cherish the moment that we have had

Pinyin: bu zhai hu tian di jiu, zhi zai hu ceng jing yong you

This phrase has been racing through my mind quite a bit recently. When I am missing that special someone, this is the exact phrase that I will keep telling myself. And fate shall dictate it all.

Something to live for

I was just watching "The Wedding Singer", a 1998 movie starring Adam Sandler. It tells of the exact relationship I am looking for; simple, ordinary, loving the partner for who he/she is and can envision growing old with he/she.

Here's a quote from the movie that I feel has great depth in life that's worth sharing;

I have done some crazy things in my life too, but then I met a special girl, a girl whom I marrying next week. So all I'm saying is that when you fall in love like you guys, the emptiness... drifts away because you find something to live for: each other.

So, here's a short clip from part of the movie:

Grow Old with You

I wanna make you smile whenever you're sad
Carry you around when your arthritis is bad
All I wanna do is grow old with you

I'll get your medicine when your tummy aches
Build you a fire if the furnace breaks
Oh it could be so nice, growing old with you

I'll miss you
Kiss you
Give you my coat when you are cold

Need you
Feed you
Even let ya hold the remote control

So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink
Put you to bed if you've had too much to drink
I could be the man who grows old with you
I wanna grow old with you

Bitter sweet

What is the state of mind in human emotion that contributes to a bittersweet feeling?

My own answer:

Missing someone and not knowing whether if that someone misses you too.

What a married/committed man should provide

I was talking on da phone and a friend told me about a status update commenting how men think that providing the necessity is their only responsibility to the women. Then I started to list what should be included in the list based on my experience of what I used to do for my ex-girlfriend. Here's an inexhaustible list except the necessity part.

1. complete the house chores so she has a clean place and comfortable bed to come home to
2. wash the clothes so she always have clean and fresh clothes to wear
3. be there as frequent as I can when she's not at work so that she will have a pair of ears to listen to her day at work
4. bring her to movies
5. bring her to romantic dinners
6. bring her to romantic vacations
7. cook her breakfasts, lunches, dinners and whatever meal that is possible
8. boil her "ba zhen" soup after her menstruation
9. wash her dirty dishes when she's too tired to
10. give her a shoulder and neck massage when she complains about her frustrating day at work
11. surprise her with a bouquet of flowers on her birthday
12. surprise her with a gift that she has been wanting
13. drive her to work in the morning whenever possible
14. a goodnight kiss
15. a morning kiss
16. a goodbye kiss
17. take care of her when she's drunk instead of blaming her for getting that drunk, coz she's just having a great time with friends
18. understand and accept that she has her own friends and need her own space (vice versa as well on this)
19. be her encyclopedia for everything, if possible
20. provide an ever ready shoulder to cry on and lean against
21. provide a warming hugging every night to sleep, even if it means my arm become numb
22. spend time watching DVDs, reading or cuddling together
23. never ever bring work emotions home, she's my love one, not my irritating colleague(s)
24. always be patient with her, be it getting ready to go out or the time she needs to understand what I told her
25. never ever calculate what I had done for her and what she has not done for me, because a sincere thank you with an appreciative kiss is all that matter

Not sure if I have miss any. I ain't a saint nor am I perfect, but I tried my best to provide what I can. In the end, I have no regret for not doing my best.

Very emotional recently

I am very emotional recently. A small scene in any movie with happy ending touched me, my eyes will be filled with tears. I guess I am emotionally overwhelmed. In such desperate need to find my own happiness.

Life's a struggle and a process full of happiness, sadness, hurt and risks. I have to accept and embrace that process. Afterall, the day I die, I am reduced to just ashes and it's the process in life that matters.

I need a place to rant

It's been 2 years since I last blogged. In between, I had a dog (miniature poodle), bought a condominium, moved in with my girlfriend and finally have a place I called home, and now me and my girlfriend decided to call it off after 5 years of relationship.

It has not been easy since, I need to come up with a sum of money to repay her for the condominium. But I am already in very deep financial difficulty since I am the only one servicing the mortgage of the condo, with help from her and my siblings paying the monthly utilities.

When I thought it couldn't get any worse. She's has found herself a new boyfriend but still is living in our condominium. I have no issue when she's all alone and need a place to live until she can stand on her own feet again, but now... she's got a boyfriend and intend to stay until July or August (another 4 or 5 mths from now) until she can move into her friend's renovated house.

It totally tip my balance there. Now that she can come home freely and stay out overnight with her boyfriend, all I can say to any potential girl out there that, "You probably need to know this before we go out for a date, I have an ex-girlfriend staying with me now."

I know, I can be cruel. But it's just not me. She's after all a woman that I have loved in the past 5 years. So, I will just have to bite my tongue and feel unhappy while seeing others happy.

I WANT TO BE HAPPY TOO!!!!

Maybe, one day.... just one day that will come.