Don't Know Where Else to Express Myself

It's been a while since I came back to you, my good old blog.  There was a time when I thought I should just be more outspoken, be a human and talk to a human when I needed somewhere to express myself. Now is the time when I rather vent out in my blog.

I can have all the time to gather my thoughts and explain myself thoroughly without getting misunderstood from a negative standpoint before I even finish or given the benefit of the doubt. Oh my good old blog, how I miss you right now.

I haven't had the time to think a lot in recent years.  Not as much as I used to or want to, in my own little bubble where I can just be totally quiet and think. This had somehow cause me to be less patient and more short tempered.  I get frustrated because I can't think of a solution when issues cropped up and I don't have enough time to think.  This is mostly due to change of lifestyle, environment and responsibilities.

With a recent casual trip to a Buddhist temple made me realise that I have been lost in the world of pursuing for the endless.  I still want to hold on to the selflessness teaching of Buddhism. Of course I understand I can never to entirely selfless to everything.  But I can try be selfless to my family and love ones.

However, sometimes being selfless still cannot stop others from being frustrated or angry at me for actions or speeches of which I had no ill intention to begin with, however ended up being misconstrued as having an agenda behind. I feel lost. Losing words and losing actions. Silence seems to be the only way to stop an argument from getting worse.  Then again, it is not.

I have never had ill intention nor have an agenda behind the action and speeches that I made.  I just want to speak out on what I think is right.  It is okay if others don't agree with me. I can walk away with that if others don't agree with me. There's no need to start a shouting match to decide who is right and who is wrong.  After all, everyone is brought up differently and has very different beliefs.

All I long for, is peace. I am not a perfect being in any way.  I say the wrong thing all the time, but never with bad intention. I do not believe a perfect being exist either. It's about being perfectly imperfect and choose not to look at the bad but for the good can we truly attain inner peace.

End of rant. Kthxbai.

Please forgive me

Please forgive me for not being able to talk to you while you are angry and have to resort to writing because I am always not able to finish making a statement without provoking you into a fit of rage.

Please forgive me for not being a romantic because I repeatedly inform you of the soup I boiled ready for you to drink after a long day's work via Whatsapp and not a post-it note at home.

Please forgive me for being quiet sometimes when we were together because with the stress of being the sole bread winner of my family, striving at work planning to provide you with a better life, apart from the on-going house chores, I just want to be by your side and quietly enjoy you telling me about your day instead of saying something wrong to upset you.

Please forgive me for being quiet sometimes when you lecture me because if neither of us give in on an argument, there will only be losers, no winner.

Please forgive me for being a nag on you on the house chores because sometimes I feel the same as you do, stress and fatigue at work plus other family issues, just wanting to laze around not doing the chores. Someone still has to do it at the end of the day.

Please forgive me for frustrating you with questions about your job sometimes because you work in an industry that I have no experience in, and I am trying to understand what are the stresses that you faced, of which are different from the stresses that I also face in my line of work.

Please forgive me for provoking you into anger because I asked questions that are so obvious to you, but not to me.

Please forgive me for making you mad by constantly challenging you very carefully on statements or facts that you make because you once told me that it is better that I correct you than you become a laughing stock in front of your friends.

Please forgive me for not sticking up for you but instead advising your friend with objectivity to approach you directly if she thinks that you are too close with other man and telling her that to love you means I have to trust you.

Please forgive me for not being able to understand how you say that you cannot trust me anymore because of that message conversation with your friend, but in real fact you stumbled upon my message conversation with your friend that is way down the message list, more than a year ago and require an extra click to view.

Please forgive me, for making your life a misery. But I still love you for who you are, hence I have never wanted you to go through the pain of being at the receiving end of my anger.

Things we learnt in a relationship

Stumble upon the following 10 things a person could learn in a good relationship in FB. You could read the original post here.

I couldn't agree more with these. However, I think the core of this all should be patience. If you have decided to throw yourself into a relationship and expose your vulnerability to that someone you love, why can't you give that person the benefit of the doubt and be patient with him/her?

Many times we jump into conclusion and exploded into a fit of rage before even letting the opposite party finish explaining. This is why I think point #1 couldn't have put in a better context.

1. Misunderstandings are inevitable.

Misunderstandings are going to happen. If you take your partner’s words one way, then learn they meant something totally different, don’t punish them. Let it go. Bringing it up all the time is only going to bruise the relationship and cause communication problems later. Sometimes what you say or do will be taken the wrong way, and you’ll get frustrated that your partner doesn’t understand. Take a step back and realize it’s not a big deal. Misunderstandings are made to be swept under the rug because they’re so minor. They only become problems if you let them grow bigger and mean more in the scope of your relationship. Be laid back and forgive misunderstandings.
No 2 persons are born the same. Even twins are different behaviourally and emotionally. There should be no reason that we expect our partners to behave or feel the same as we do. Hey, even our knowledge of things are different. It is everyone's right voice out his/her opinion, just the same as the rights to be respected. When there's a misunderstanding or understanding cannot be reached, neither raising voices, showing agitation or annoyance nor lecturing your partner will provide an understanding. Matter of fact it only makes the partner recluse or worse case it will only make he/she retaliate with more nasty response.

2. Learn to trust them.

You have to trust your partner. Why would you share your life with someone when you think they’re doing something wrong every time you turn your back? If you don’t trust your partner to be faithful, honest, caring, or anything else, then you’re not in a good relationship. The best relationships begin with a deep trust, and even if problems come up (and they will!), the trust is strong enough to keep you together.

3. Let yourselves miss each other.

You’re in love, so you want to be together all the time! It’s so fun to cuddle all night and be together all day, but when will you have time to experience different things? When you go to separate workplaces or schools, you experience things that will give you something to talk about later. When you go out with your friends and your partner spends time with theirs, you have time and space to yourself and come back to each other refreshed. You have a chance to miss each other, and it helps you really understand the value of your relationship. Missing someone is great because getting to see them after that period will make you so happy and so sure of your relationship.

4. Encourage growth and change.

In a good relationship, both partners are encouraged to grow and change. You have one life to live – you should explore it to the fullest! If you want to quit your job and go back to school, your partner should support you. If you want to try something new or go back to something old, you should find support in your relationship. And you should give this support in return. Encourage your partner to explore hobbies and interests and meet new people. If you want your partner to stay the same, you’re going to have a very boring life together.

5. Compromising doesn’t mean you’re weak.

Compromising doesn’t mean “giving in.” It doesn’t mean that you’ve lost the fight. In fact, it’s the opposite. Do you know how hard it is to compromise sometimes? You want your way because it sounds right and makes sense to you. Your partner is way off base with their suggestions. Take a step back and look at the argument diplomatically. What’s the logical conclusion? If your partner is right, don’t be afraid to say so. Accept their way, or modify both of your solutions to be half and half. The important thing is not getting your way, it’s staying in your relationship and helping it grow. Compromising will definitely help your relationship grow.
It's always hard to admit to things that we had done or opinionated wrongly. As couples spent more time together, it's only get tougher. But this is the small thing that makes a different. Sometimes saying sorry doesn't mean you are the one at wrong, but you are willing to compromise and pretend to be wrong because your partner is worth more than being on the winning side of a disagreement.

6. Admit your weaknesses.

Your partner doesn’t expect you to be a superhero, and hopefully you don’t expect that of them! We’re all human; we all have flaws. It’s ok to let these show. In fact, to have a stable, serious relationship, you need to let your weaknesses be known. Your partner will be more sensitive to things that bother you, and can help build you up in areas where you need some help.

7. Sometimes you can only accept things, not fix them.

People have baggage. You have some. Your partner has some. Can you go back and erase all of this? Nope! You’re stuck with it, and have to learn to deal with it. Some things are easier to get over than others, but the reality is that sometimes, you can’t fix things. You can’t make problems go away. You have to accept them and get over them and move on, or else your relationship will crumble.
Problems exist everywhere and on everything. At work, most problems can be fixed, but still when it comes to human emotion like customer experience, not all problems can be solved. What more when it comes to relationship when the parties involved are both human. It is learning to let go and understand sometimes the good outweigh the bad.

8. Forgive quickly and truly.

Whenever you have a fight, don’t worry about who wins or who loses. Learn from the fight – from what was said as much as from how it was resolved. Once you learn from a fight, you can apply that lesson to your relationship to avoid trouble later. That’s all well and good, but you’re not done! Forgive your partner! Forgive yourself. The fight is over, you’re past it, now let it go. Never hold anything against your partner because the resentment will build until you don’t want to be with them.

9. Never expect anything.

Don’t expect your partner to read your mind, or to bring you breakfast in bed, or to offer to wash the dishes. It’s not going to happen. You can’t expect anything from anyone – you have to make it known. Communicate. Make sure your partner knows what you expect from the relationship, as well as your opinions on a wide variety of issues. This will help them act considerate towards you, but still – don’t expect anything!

10. Show your feelings.

The worst thing you can do in a relationship is play games. Don’t tease your partner; don’t “reward” good deeds with love and affection. You have to make sure your partner always feels loved. You can be happy with them or be mad at them – it doesn’t matter – they just need to feel loved. They need to know your feelings in the moment as well, don’t get me wrong. But make sure you’re showing your feelings in a way that they won’t be misunderstood (back to #1!).

House Chores

I have been living by myself for 15 years now. House chores like sweeping, mopping, dusting and changing the sheets has been part and partial of everyday life. However, I still hated doing all these. I believe many people hated it too.

However it does not mean then they we should just not do it. As I was changing my queen size bedsheet and quilt cover this morning, I was thinking to myself, wouldn't it be nice if there were someone there to do these together with me. At least effort and dismay of doing chores will be divided by half.

Just random ranting.

Almost 2 years hiatus

It has been almost 2 years. So much had happened since. In March 2013, I decided to return to KL calling it quit on Singapore after my 1 year contract ended. It was a decision based on my situation then of which was what I would put it as lost in my career path and taking on a better role, and I thought it was. Being a manager of 191 staff, with half of what used to earn in Singapore and limitless challenges, it really spurred me on at the beginning until I have to raise the flag on my own manager that I would describe as intellectually incompetent and again feeling it was going to be a intellectually challenging career. 

Such is the irony of life. Then I started receiving calls from head hunters from Singapore on various job opportunities. And the rest as they would call it, "it was all history". Took up an offer Singapore and here I am back to the land of kiasu but with a very perspective and much more appreciation working in a company with lesser pressure, lesser pay than previously in Singapore but much more satisfaction and balance in life.

So, there. A 22 months worth of update in a few paragraphs. Hopefully I can start to be motivated again to pen about my life more often. Especially now that I have bought this bluetooth keyboard to motivate myself to write without having to sit in front of the laptop, of which I am lazy to do nowadays with convenient of an iPad. Actually it's more of an excuse to buy new toy! Haha.

You can't lose what you don't own

It's been almost a year since I posted a blog titled "what we don't bring, we can't take away".  Today I have to remind myself again not to hold it so tightly on things.  If I remind myself I never own it to begin with, I shouldn't be afraid to lose it at all.

I'm back again

Took the opportunity of being at Taipei for a business trip to go to Jiou Fen (Jiu Fen). I love the most about this place is a particular tea house. Chinese type.

It was 2 years ago when I was here with my mate Tai, his now fiancé and my then gf. It was nostalgic being here 2 years later, the different thing this time around were that I was there by myself, my then gf is now someone else's fiancé and even though I'm still sitting at exactly the same table with exactly the same scenery, I wasn't smoking like the first time I was there.

It's amazing how much have change since 2 years ago, not the place but the people.

Burnt out

When I'm all stressed out, tired, moody and emo, all I want is to lie beside her and to listen to how her day went by.

Calling it quit

It has been exactly 3 months since I had my last cigarette. I had called it a quit and I have maintained it without sucking one, though it was kinda tough in the beginning nonetheless I've made it through.

First Business Trip

In about an hour's time I'm going to make my first business trip for this new company. Im going to Taipei. Things in this company ticks differently, traveling is by claim basis instead of allowances basis.

Anyhow, it does feel there's a lot at stake here. Seems like my 2 bigger bosses are quite anxious to see how I perform and at the same time fear that I'll make a fool out of myself. I think the Indian colleagues whom I'm going Taipei to help seems intimidated when I was assigned to this project. I suppose most people would too if a new guy is assigned to you in the midst of your project, because people will tend to think that they are doing a good enough job that's why help is sent.

Anyhow, all I can do is to perform my best and let nature takes its course. Fingers crossed!

Life Changing

Exactly 2 weeks ago, I made one of the biggest move so far in my life. March 10th, 2012 I moved to Singapore. Starting a new routine, new environment, new country, new job, new company, new responsibility and most importantly a new life.

The new colour in life is white and blue... gone was the white and red. So far it has been great experience. I still feel I'm charged and excited with all these changes and challenges. Being patient and tackling one challenge at a time. After all, as people say, the 3 biggest changes in life is to change job, change home and getting married, I have placed myself in 2 of it.

It has been great so far with tonnes of help and advises from friends and dear. Without them I wouldn't have been able to settle down so quickly and smoothly. Thank you all. Thank you dear.

Let this be the beginning of a great great journey in life!

Being Double Standard

I have to admit sometimes, but rarely I am being double standard to my family. What I mean is there are times when I could throw tantrums at my family when they were showing concerns and asked me lots of questions on the issue that I face. But everytime after I did, I regretted it the very moment did it.

I always ask myself why I have to be double standard to the ones I love. If it were my friends who asked, I would have tell them things in a calm manner and when they do not understand I would patiently explain things to them. Even more so if that person were to be my girlfriend.

That's why I rarely throw my tantrums at my family. Because I understand that they are not the cause of my problem and they asked questions because they care and love me. When someone loves me, doesn't mean it gives me the right to throw the weight that I'm supporting on my shoulder onto them. Where else it should be the case where I'm able to share my weight with that person, even if it means he/she can only listen and cannot do anything about it. By just being there to listen to me is already the best gift.

I'm not perfect, so I still do the same mistake once in many many years. But I reminded myself everytime when I'm talking to my family or my love one at times when I had a shitty day, that these are the people whom I go to when the world seems to forsake me.

So think twice before we start shouting or feel annoyed when someone we care about very much asked how's our day at work or life on a bad day. If they are the people that you care enough to share your burden with, it means they are the same people whom you will regret for not appreciating them while they are around. If they are the people who stuck around with you through the darkest hour, don't they deserve more patience than what your friends deserve? It's not just to our family, but it should be to everyone that we love and care for, be it our spouse or partner.

Forgetful Human

Have you ever been in the situation where it might involves your work, friendship, relationship or family that made you realise that you have taken things for granted?  After talking to those involved you suddenly realise that you have forgotten how to be grateful for the little things people have done for you and things that you have in life. You realise that it's too late now, you have lose that thing you owned or person you love in life forever.

It's like a wake up call.  Then suddenly you felt that you got a tight slap on the face and determine to change things to become a better person.  You swore to yourself that you will not do something that you will regret in your life ever again.  You become very conscious and constantly keeping yourself in check and making sure you appreciate every moment in life that you are alive and be grateful of the people you love in your life. Don't we all do that?

Then weeks or months past.  Now you've forgotten what you set out to do. You are back to where you were again. When your friends ask why you are back to square one again and you would probably go to the extend to tell them this, "Fark off!  I don't give a damn on what you think.  I'm tired of trying to make people feel happy. I want to be happy myself."  You got so frustrated with your work, your life and whatever that is going on around you that put you so low in mood that you think by being grateful and appreciative is all about making sure others around you are happy, but not you.

Come on! Stop kidding yourself.  No matter how much shopping or self pampering spa or vacation you treat yourself to, you still feel something is amiss in your life.  It's like a hole that you keep trying to fill up with the money you spent on yourself and surround yourself with the so called surface friends, of which at the end of the day you still feel empty inside.

What you've forgotten is that, to begin with, it is not about making other people happy.  It is all about making sure that you don't take things for granted in life and live to regret it.  The fundamental thing is still about making yourself happy by being grateful and appreciative of your surroundings.  Then the vicious cycle repeat itself again when you lose something or someone important in life.

Human are forgetful.  The tough thing in life is not about finding your weaknesses or ways to turn yourself into a better person.  It is about being "consistent" at making yourself a better person.  Now sit down, think it through.  Slap yourself a few times if need to.  Are you that person?

I think at some point in life, we all are.  It is when we become "consistent" that we become "mature".

What's the purpose of my life?

It's been crappy in life recently. Life in general. I have the feeling of, "what am I fighting for?". At work I have this burning question, "does money really mean so much that I have to sacrifice my happiness at a job that doesn't yield satisfaction?"

At the end of the day, what do I want to achieve in life.  What do I want?  What's the purpose of my life?

Will earning a lot of money will make me happy? I suppose, but not when the earning money process is taking away my life. And to be honest, I can foresee myself living a simple life, provided I have someone I love by my side.

What's the purpose of my life? To be happy and then make everyone else happy. I suppose...

Emotional roller coaster

What can I say about my life? It's just full of excitement!

Job's getting tougher and having a new boss who don't know where to start to provide for support. But that's fine, I know what I signed up for and why I'm being paid for what I do. I just have to get used to the new found stress, building the plane while I'm flying it and hope I get to a safe landing after that.

Meanwhile, my oh-so-loyal car finally gave up on me after 7.5 yrs at the age of 20. Cost of bringing it back to life is not even worthwhile anymore. So I will have to part with the money to pay for downpayment for a Perodua MyVi. At the same time I'm paying a huge sum for my Melbourne trip. So, everything just couldn't have happen at a "better" time. *being sarcastic*

Then there is other thing in life that I just don't know what to do and what else I can about anymore. There's nothing I can do about it from the beginning anyway. You can't lose something that you never own.

Great!!! I bet ya there's tonnes of people out there who are so jealous about how interesting and exciting my life is right now. Woooo hooooo!!!

Like what they always say, "what can't kill you, makes you stronger"!!!
Life is so beautiful!

Sometimes I doubted myself

Sometimes I doubted myself whether I've been a good bf in my previous relationships.  Did I become a better man?  Have I dote, spoil and pamper my gf enough?

I don't know the answer to that.

When a guy initially meet a girl that he likes, he will try to shower her with love, care and attention.  For a guy who had gone through disappointment in past experiences, he will reserve that remaining 10% or 20% of extra doting, spoiling and pampering because he is not sure whether the girl will be like the others before her, will take his love for granted.

And here comes the dilemma.  The girl will not agree to accept the boy until she sees the 100% of the guy.  She wants to be sure before getting herself hurt again as well.

This is has become a never ending kind of game.  I don't think there is a best solution to such dilemma.  But I believe if both can have a little faith and trust in each other, to march a step towards each other and open up at least there is a chance for things to change.

Isn't this is what it's all about being in a relationship?  We learn about each other the most when we get comfortable and show our love one our true self.  We learn about his/her flaws and we embrace him/her with love. Afterall, his/her imperfections are the things that make him/her perfect and the one and only unique person in our heart.

Anyway, I don't know where this random thoughts are going... No start, no content and no ending... I am in random mode I suppose.

When all are said and done...

frustration became disappointment,
disappointment became anger,
anger became despair,
despair became depressed,
depressed became...

"I don't give a damn anymore!"

Another "Believes" Philosophy of mine

Call me old fashioned, but I believe when you are in love, you should be unselfish enough to give your love one what they want.  Even if that means you have to let go.  I once told a person that I love, if she does not want my existence in her life I would let go, all I can wish for is to see her happy with someone who truly cherish and appreciate her for who she is.  To love is not to own.

I also believe for two person to be together in a relationship is never easy.  They will have to fight.  Fight against all odds.  Fight against personal egos.  Fight against environmental changes.  Fight against personality changes.  Fight against complacency.  Fight against distrust.  Fight against doubt.  Fight against negative thoughts.
To sum it all, it's a fight to be together and to love each other until the day they grow old together.

Nostalgia

After 12 years, our role has reversed.  Today I became the person that stood by and watch the coach pull away, while 12 years ago I was the person sitting inside the coach.  Life always works out in the most miraculous way. Be it karma, be it a second chance or be it a torture, life's short.  Let's enjoy the process and for once forget about the result.

Believe

Since I come to maturity, I always believe it is always essential that we treat people nicely and kindly.  Some people can be nasty, some can be selfish and take advantage of my kindness.  Some just does not know it is a privilege to be treated kindly and continue to take things for granted and absorb whatever benefit comes out of it.  But I believe good will come out of it one day.  It takes an extra little effort to make a difference in a other's life.  And when I see the appreciation or whatever problem/issue they walked out from their life happily with my help, that's the biggest reward I could ask for.

This believe does worn me out some times.  It worn me out when my kindness got taken for granted.  It worn me out when I have to give to the point of breaking.  It worn me out when there's no one there to understand why I do what I do.  It worn me out most when I could not find someone that could provide me a safe haven to seek peace and shelter when I'm tired.

I do feel pain sometimes.  When I could not find a shelter.  It also makes me rethink decisions that I've made.  But I have yet to regret any of the decision, for they are made with serious considerations.  If loneliness is how my life pan out to be, so be it....  Hopefully the fulfillments of assisting others to gain happiness is enough to keep my believe going.

For who I am and who I will ever be.  I feel worn now....